A heavy dose of self-annoyance pesters me this week. I just figured out that my irritable mood is due in part to some trepidation about turning 30 this month. Considering myself somewhat immune to the mundane anti-aging culture we mired ourselves in, it’s with a lot of shame that I confess this anxiety. It’s not like I am stuck on the number, but more so, the little nat of continuing to feel unanchored.
Lately I don’t really know where I belong.
A little background…I am job searching due to the fact that I have arrived at the top eschalon of my field, completed all the expert training possible, and now forced to find a permanent position as an expert in my field. I have 6 months to “find something” in this vomiting economy. The position, the context, this next step, to me and to others signifies a lot about where my future “is headed.” All of the sudden, the fears and worries akin to choosing a major or even a college resurface as if clowns in new uniforms. And we all know how scary clowns can be.
I hesitate, often floating in my experience as a single woman with most of my major connections long distance. Four of my soul sisters were pregnant during my 29-30 phase. I live a fulfilling life. I have purpose, vision, ambitious…so why do I still feel as if life is passing me by and I am behind? There continue to be moments when I feel as if I am chasing something that I don’t even know if I desire.
And it’s annoying to me. The behind feeling, as if something is inadequate or stalled, annoys me. When I am capable of cooking up so much “wow-this-is my-life!” emotions, I still feel as if…
I am missing something…
Is this me? My culture? Is there a choice to be made here?
Gas?
Saturday, March 14, 2009
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About Me
- Special K
- PhD in clinical psychology. Single. Pushing 30. Suffering Whiplash from the Roaming 20s...Who am I? What do I want? Where do I belong? Welcome to my self-induced treatment, a testament that we can all be a little crazy in our search for significance.
Oh my! I was thinking today that maybe I should quit acting and focus on writing. And maybe, maybe, maybe I would be a successful, published writer by the time I am 30. And then I realized that is only 1.75 years away. And I just don't see myself being successful in anything in 1.75 years. I mean 1.75 years isn't that long.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I start to freak out that I am almost 30 and haven't done *anything* with my life: I only work part time and have no kindred spirit friends in my city, no health insurance and a car that is even older than me!
I had so much promise in high school! Where did I go wrong? What has happened to my 20s?
And why-oh-why couldn't I have been in love with a long term boyfriend while my boobs were still super perky? What a waste of boobage!
So yeah. I totally feel you. Either we're all behind or nobody is behind. But everyone feels that way!!!!
Thanks for stopping by at Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles!
ReplyDeleteHere's the horrible truth: I just turned 30 a few days ago, and as much as I'd like to say I was okay with it, I wasn't. I went so far as to ask my friends not to call me so I could "forget" it was my birthday. Silly, I know. Necessary for my sanity? Yes. I couldn't face forcing a smile into my voice and listening to "over the hill" jokes five or six times over.
Lots of women who are approaching 30 single can say that they've foregone marriage and children for a successful career, but I can't even really say that. I am a freelance writer barely making ends meet to the point that I'm about to leave the city I love so I can afford to keep a roof over my head!
Most of my female friends and acquaintances are in relationships, if not married. Now they're having babies. I'm happy for them, but I can't relate. My worries and challenges are different, as are my joys.
As social beings, we measure our development against that of our peers and feel out of step when we're not in the same life stage as those around us. I think if the norm was for us to be single at 30 and married at 50, we'd feel just fine.
Pesty choices, yes. Also pesty norms!
I relate to your thought that I feel I am missing out on something and I also can not put my finger on it too. Here's a thought though. Do you think life would still seem like it was passing you by if you were in a "community"? And here is another thought. If you were in that "community" do you think it could be a distraction from loneliness that maybe God has placed in us, maybe to remind us that he is the only one that can fill that void. And that void can not be fill by anyone or anything no matter how hard we try.
ReplyDeleteI loved turning 30 - so definitely an improvement on the 20's. I say look forwards to it. A lot of the pressure to 'fit in' reduces and you can start enjoying being who you are, rather than who everyone expects you to be!
ReplyDeleteI'm 39 in May, and still consider ditching my job and stuff to join the Peace Corps or live abroad again, that there's something missing even in the midst of my community of friends and family.
ReplyDeleteI believe the "something missing" keeps us driven to explore internally and externally regardless of age and that the seeking is inherently human.
I did not take turning 30 too well. I had just finished grad school and didn't like my job and my friends were busy with good careers and romantic partners- like you, I didn't know where I belonged. but last month I turned 31, and I was so much better with. It's not like too much has changed, but I don't know, it's not as bad when it's not a "milestone" birthday (especially not the one when you're "supposed" to be married and have a spectacular career).
ReplyDelete