MOVING NOW!

If you follow my blog regularly, I wanted to let you know that I am expanding it and moved it to another site:
http://thespecialktreatment.wordpress.com/

Yes, IF

In October, I will be moving overseas to serve as a psychologist in a pediatrics department in a large hospital. The move has really invigorated me, allowing me to let go of my anxieties regarding "the direction my life is heading" and "what do or where do you want to go?" Reflective in nature, my brain often suffocates in over pontification, the victim of too many choices and vast land of possibilities saturate it. So, I've let go a bit. Stretching more into my life, having energy to partake in activities I've hankered for in the past and bringing them to fruition. Joined a hiking group, been talking to this charming guy at yoga (The inflexible girl CAN bend!) strolled around farmer's markets tasting Bacon Ice Cream, going on dinner cruises. Perhaps it is the summer, the long light warming my spirit awake to notice how trees stand like Titans and the small sparrows chirp in contstant hunger. Or maybe it's because I know that my time here is limited...and I trusting that "carpe diem" will fulfill me. And yet, single people do move more...this constant state of moving may give others hesitation "I don't want to start that (relationship/project/class) because I won't be here in three months."
In many ways, I am the opposite, plunging myself headfirst into the small community around me. I threw a sock and salad swap last week at work, arranging guests to bring a pair of socks and salads to "share." We're doing appetizers and accessories next. I want to engage, I want to continue building friendships...and others seem to say to me "but you're leaving soon..."After my late twenties, I recognized that the working individual is faced with a tough challenge of building relationships, especially if most of your colleagues are married with children. The friends of mine who are married with children that I share an intimate relationship with are those friends where we solidified our bond prior to them becoming married/with child. "Would you start a relationship right now?"Of course I would...My mantra right now is to BE OPEN. If I start living "no, because" (no, I can't go out with him because he has facial hair) instead of YES, IF (yes, I will take that class if it ends by 8pm tonight), my life would be less authentic, and a perception of DEFICIT would persist. Don't use a stage of your life as a excuse. In the end, you'll end up starved.

Stronger than you know

You are stronger than you know...

The words dripped out of my fat, beloved pink Sharpie and stained a yellow office post it. For some reason, many times through out the day, the drudgery of life nabs my attention. I am impatient, anxious, addicted, weak. And this tendency to parent myself with criticism ("don't buy that, use your manners, stand up tall and make a good impression!") is often inauthentic and inaccurate.

Because I am strong, bad ass chicka!

The post stands and am taping it here...Leave a comment, naming three things you have done this year in 2009 that required strength...

Here are mine

1) Gave up my treadmill when it was clear that I was running due to compulsion and not for my health

2) Waited for a job in ambiguity, and then accepted one overseas beginning in THREE months

3) I signed up for backpacking trip by myself

This is part of Operation Beautiful. I am committing to putting up THREE sticky notes in the hospital today in random places. They will say

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW

NOTICE YOUR BEAUTY!

WHO you are matters more than WHAT you are

What three things have you done or are than make you strong?

Taking LONGER than Expected

Task #70: Complete a Puzzle

“30 Year Old Women don’t sit around working on puzzles,” the first few words were stressed, with a slight upturned “not when they should be out there trying to find a husband.” While her statement could be verified in a certain light, I also didn’t see a lot of puzzle passion sweeping across any US demographic, save for the slobbered, bulky shaped puzzles that are gifted to Einstein toddlers. People just don’t have the inclination to clear offexpansive flat areas in their homes for such a feat. They don’t seek out opportunities to dismantle tiny pieces in order to merely put them back together again. Adult life has enough of such serious, oftenfrustrating, business. But the times when I do get swept up in popular hobbies, don’t always deliver on their promises. In fact, they often ended in disaster, despite their reputation (one word: perms…the fear should be revered).

I am not a patient person. I do not tend to notice details. I do not like stopping at GO to collect my prize. But I had never put together a puzzle before, and this appeared to beas good a time as any to resolve such a horrific hobby deprivation. Not puzzle making was akin to being robbed of the throng of a plastictube circling around one’s pliant middle or the exhilaration ofjumping through orbiting strings while one skipped musically.

There was no planning beyond the goal: complete a puzzle. The 1000 piece pattern did not overstimulate. I didn’t cherish the pattern. It merely was “there,” but not in a distracting sort of way. I purchased it figuring completion would take a long weekend. That bubble burst when I ferreted out the border pieces that first Saturday morning (3 months ago!), expiring hours as the pieces grew and the simmering border proliferated larger and larger, demanding more and more surfacearea. Who knew tiny pieces would mass together to occupy such significant space?My method was haphazard—rooting through the box first for edge piecesand then sorting them into somewhat similar colors. Frequent distractions (such as, “I think I saw that piece over there’) impaired my intuition to establish some kind of technique. I often shoved pieces together in desperate attempt for connection in those earlystages because just turning pieces over didn’t satisfy enough. Aftermore than a days work, the enormity of the task dandruffed plans for a quick completion.
The process of puzzle making demands release of a checklist mentality. Moments of satisfaction glowed when an expected connection occurred,when my fingers upturned a piece randomly and its unintentional orientation triggered instant adherence. Futile efforts wasted time by my narrow focus, my forced precision often impairing progress. Whenthose little cardboard units audibly clicked, my right forearm wouldshoot up in celebration. Who knew making connections warranted such physical recognition? Within this process, I uncovered unknown reservoirs of faith. Not just with being okay with not feeling like I was making progress, but trusting the effort as valuable nonetheless. The puzzle underlines the ageless wisdom that the journey IS the destination. And the chaos of the unexpected way refines direction. In an age where out sugar-rush hobbies promise immediate gratification, in a time where we are all in a hurry to produce something of tangible worth, this 30 year old single woman found asimple pastime that feed more than a desire to be entertained. In puzzlemaking, connection is the key. It nourishes engagement---literally. And isn’t that what husband-seeking is all about?
I think I sense a new fad coming on here…

Discovering Love

Two or three times in my life I discovered love
Each time it seemed to solve everything
Each time it solved a great many things
but not everything
Yet left me grateful as if it had indeed, and thoroughly, solved everything
Mary Oliver

I am discovering love.

I recently embarked on a new kick (those who know me, understand that I become intensely passionate about certain things for a season)...right now, I wake each morning to a new poem, setting my intentions for the day. These words greeted me, and immediately, my vision bombarded me with images.

There's my friend, a mother of a curious, precocious 14 month old, who had to cancel dinner theater plans last night due to his cold and her steadfast vision of duty and care. There's the yoga teacher who touches my forehead and blesses me after morning class on friday, the only real touch I encounter in a week. There's the card from my aunt, recognizing a small victory, arriving late but at the moment of exacting insecurity. There's the blogger I know just beginning to recover from a relapse, slowly nourished by words or the gestures of those who know her and those that do not. There's the biting reprimand of a loved one leaving my stomach irritable in validation of its truth.

These moments appear in a flash, solving everything...mirroring the moment mom scooped me up in her arms after falling on my bike (again) and her embrace masking my failure and her kisses healing my shame. And then, gossamer and fragile, their irradescence evaporates, and the gap between me and mother is not solely geographic.

I am discovering love...more the love of this tension, this mystery, this me.

Getting out of Debt!

Task #21: Pay Off one of my student loans:
Achievement!

I paid off my private loan from my Harvard master’s! How awesome is that? For all of us overeducated ladies out there, who pride ourselves on our formal learning accomplishments, this goal signifies a validation of some sort...that I am a woman that honors my debts. Month after month of putting away extra chunks here, of cutting back on cable there, of not going out to eat or analyzing whether a movie was worth $10, I am now out of the high interest rate loan I had to take in order to enroll in the program.

. I had full scholarships for my undergrad, and thus wasn’t upset about taking loans for the master’s…but the federal loans didn’t cover all of the costs. When I decided to go to Harvard, I was very distressed that my parents couldn’t help me financially…so, I took a personal education loan at a 8% interest rate…

Of all the loans I’ve taken to complete the PhD and other masters’, this loan is the most sentimental. The loan served as a token that I am supremely blessed to be born a woman at this time in history, in this country, to obtain multiple higher degrees and be trusted that I will “pay” it back both economically and socially. But since I did it on my own, it signifies that I am capable and quite competent, to find the resources necessary to meet my goals. And PAY them back WITH INTEREST.

I might not be able to meet all of my needs, all of the time…because there will always be wanting, the bitterness always tangible….

What I take, I give back….and I give back leaving more than I took….

Ah, what a life well lived.

Sauntering

Sauntering. My perusing skills only unfurl themselves fully when traveling, or browsing through famer’s markets. A slowness envelopes me, as time dissipates and agendas humidify, I step into an awareness of that which pleases me.

This past weekend, I ramble happened to walk into a independent bookstore seller while on a day trip to some Oregon beachside towns. Imagine it…the romance of the pacific northwest coastline…ah….and then the reality is…the local mirrors the atmosphere of all the other beachside towns you’ve ever encountered. Only this one is new to you…you get to rediscover it.

And I figured out through browsing. That the destination today paled as murky as the cloudy overhead, and the experience of meeting people, mingled with exploring on my own….whipped together a recipe for “boy, I am digging life right now.”

I signed up for a group trip that provided transportation to the beach towns. Coccooned in the back of the 10 person van, my seat sharers and I buckled in at 6:30 on a Saturday expecting a 2 hour drive….unexpected detours 5 hours later, we emerged philosophically satiated…discussing politics, leadership theory, resilience and value development.

And then, I panted for solo exploration. I embarked my own pace, set my the pulsations of my irregular curiosity of my own pace. I spent 53 seconds in a leather clothing store where a lady chirped “all natural leather, everything TWENTY dollars” three times before hightailing it out of there. My mood stretched high to the heavens meeting a crew at an organic coffee shop resemebling a comedic chorus in a Greek play….giggling about Tai Chi Karoke and different acidity…I snapped a memory, and they returned the favor as I slipped for a brief moment into the ecstasy of rich espresso, the first lick of caffeine after 5 hours taco-ed in a tour bus….heaven!

After reading the backs of 20 books in an independent bookstore, the owner and I collectively welled water filled eyes as we paid homage to our blessings…the gratitude of being female…a lover of words, capable and free to satiate our hungers…for travel, for words, for connection…any time we pleased…as so many women remain locked in oppression, barred from books, even. (Plus, purchasing a book recommended with such passion from the owner herself…the reading is forever woven with the image of sharing a spiritual sisterhood…my geek version of the blood tipped finger smearing ritual of 8 year olds)

And at the end of the day, balance crested…between the expense of strangers and seatmates that I shared myself with and the shalom of my independent mosey-ing. In both places…authentically allowing the promenade to lead…
Sauntering solo, yet engaged and tuned into others.

Hardwired for Singlehood?

“There has always been something wild about you, making you the perfect person for such an adventure, striking out to a new country on your own…you go, girl!”

I found this encouraging remark from a loved one uplifting, provided to me upon news that I will fulfill a position at a large hospital in Germany in October of this year. It’s true that I possess a precocious personality. Having my name announced on public paging systems does not startle me following years of disappearing in the mall as a youngster. You will rarely find me itching to try to return to restaurant or a travel, even if the experience tingled my soul. I define myself not by my surroundings, but by how much I can explore and grow.

A person pointed out to me that my ability and excitement to go work overseas is attributable to being single and not “tied down yet.” But the more I consider it, the more I think it is truly about my temperament, something built in and innate to my personality.

Don’t get me wrong…I am a gal that is currently longing for intimacy. It’s been a while since my last relationship, and I miss that feeling of belonging and connection. But I also know a “perfect union” is an illusion. Even if you are partnered up, sooner or later, you will feel lonely, misunderstood, and that you aren’t known.

I recognize that there is a beauty in making someone’s lunch and knowing exactly what will satisfy and I honor that pinching when that someone fails to comfort you when you are defeated.

Still, my personality evokes independence. Sure, I cared what my peers thought about me in high school, but I was more interested in achieving and my own goals than anything. Perhaps, I am hardwired to cope better with singleness than a person who finds her surroundings more fulfilling than goals. I point out specific attributes I appreciate in others, but I never was a jealous person who longed for more public displays of attention. I like to travel with others, but really need my reflection and assimilation time.

A beloved poem catches my longings to the core:

The Summer Day
Mary Oliver
Who made the world?Who made the swan, and the
black bear?Who made the grasshopper?This grasshopper, I mean-the one who has
flung herself out of the grass,the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,who is
moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-who is gazing around with
her enormous and complicated eyes.Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly
washes her face.Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.I don't know
exactly what a prayer is.I do know how to pay attention, how to fall downinto
the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,how to be idle and blessed, how to
stroll through the fields,which is what I have been doing all day.Tell me, what
else should I have done?Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?Tell me,
what is it you plan to dowith your one wild and precious life?

Am I single because I am independent? …..

LESS is MORE???

I think I am too future oriented...I've noticed lately that most of my female friends open the skins of their onion-y spirits layers upon layers of seasons...ever sensitive to seasons of change, always on the forefront of major tectonic shifts, the paper like fragility of risking what is in hopes of something more fulfilling, more authentic, more....more...more...."YOU/ME/WHAT IS MEANT TO BE...."

This bending orientation, this grasping, this striving...well, whew! It gets tiring doesn't it? These past few weeks, a recognition swept over me...I am very tired of trying to surpass myself. Of longing for more...

I accepted a stellar position overseas (going in early fall), and combined with a foot injury sweeping away my jogging therapy, I've been struggling with doing less.

Less at work...less exercise....less planning.....

Patience has never been MY virtue...and as I look around at many women, especially SINGLE women, I encounter the same mentality...

My life will be better when "we go that cruise" "when I can run again," "When I move to Germany..."

I still want more...but for now, I am saying the word "less" aloud many times a day...it is a meditation for simplicity...

Is less more?

What do you need to do less?

Growing Pains?

Milestones contain the potential for growth spurts. Harken an image of yourself at the gawky tweener…When rounding 13, affixed with metal teeth, adorned with neon color, all of the sudden, your interests altered dramatically. You began to not only become alert to the opposite sex, but to obsess about Johnny Depp (21 Jumpstreet) or Christian Slater (Pump up the Volume) with a veracity you couldn’t show the boys sitting next to you in class. You began to gulf bowls of chips and salsa or pans of moms brownies while playing Mario Brothers at night. Your legs might have ached, even, signaling a rapid development of height.

This period hallmarks as the “growing pains” era of one’s life.

In a nod to all of us celebrating milestones this year, I have begun to ponder how we’ve been gypped out of reverance for our own development after the teenage years. Growing old may be so feared in this culture that we forget how amazingly resilient, flexible, sensitive we are. In our teenage years, it’s like a switch is turned on where we intensely care about what others think, and that electricity fuels us so intensely thus forward that there is no juice left to pay homage to our own voice. We don’t want to celebrate ourselves, because that would draw the spotlight onto ourselves too directly

…and let’s face it, we’re taught to squirm under the lighting. Just think about trying on a series of swimsuits in those dressing rooms. Or having sex under flurescent lighting. Or examining your face in one of those magical mirrors where every crevice acts like a prima donna. We’re taught to shy away from the process of aging, and thus we don’t celebrate, our even acknowledge our growth.

I think because in doing so, we also have to acknowledge the pains felt in getting there.

I turned 30 over a month ago. I’ve treated the time as an official hallmark: motivating me to question my present habits, activities, qualities in a reflective manner to mobilize dedication to certain resolutions (akin to New Year, but with more intentionality because adopted by me and not by cultural fad). But I’ve also been admiring the pain of the past, and how my losses, my aches, my challenges signaled immense growth spurts. I’ve placed a little light on my life, and instead of shirking back in shame, attempting to hide all the flaws from you all and more importantly, myself, I’ve placed a beam on them.

Uncontrollable beasts, these growing pains prove. They bite back. They may keep you up a night, festering. But we tame them by celebrating them. The milestones matter.

Talking to Strangers

Task #20. Buy 20 dollars worth of flowers and give them away to complete strangers

I have been visiting my hometown this past week and seized the opportunity to hang out with my oldest friend and her new young daughter. I've known her more than 15 years, and when I am with her, am amazed at how we grow and change (she's got nursing "assets!") and how we stay the same (she still despises her hair). I love the fact that I am my most comfortable self around her, goofy, but sharp and witty, and not having to prove myself to her. Thus is the magic of a long, shared and seasoned history.

When she asked what I wanted to do, I came up with this task.

She was hesitant. "People will think we're weird."

"So what?" I explained it was about our intention, our energy, not their responses.

So I bought $20 of Gerby Daisys and purpley blooms and arranged them into 6 different bouquets with lables like "Wishing you Laughter," "May you feel hopeful," and we walked up and down a local outdoor shopping area trying to find people to leave them with.

Some blustered in guardedness (a new mom in a stroller), others in shyness (a pimply faced 16 year old boy selling hot dogs) and some in delight ("A co-worker walked out this morning, are you serious?").

The point remains: people can be surprisely closed off to receiving love, to the opportunity to be touched. And yet, a tiny bit of persistence chips away at that wall, and pushes beyond our comfort zone, to confirm "we matter to each other."

Perhaps the boy tossed those blazing pink sunbeams. But maybe he didn't. Maybe this morning he is waking up to them, feeling a little bit more pleased with himself.

I certainly am!

Do you talk to strangers? I usually don't...but my friend's presence alivens me to be that outgoing version of myself.

Neediness: What am I doing Wrong?

This week a person commented
But if she’s single, and she really wants to be in a relationship, isn’t she doing something wrong?

What do you think? Are people who are single and desire partnership doing something wrong?

I assert the philosophy that people need people. We need to feel as if we belong, and that we matter. I don’t necessarily desire marriage right now, but I do need connection, intimacy, being known and knowing others, contribution.

I have come to recognize that I am uncomfortable with needing. I not only question my needs, but the presence of them in my life instigates a perception of weakness. The question above underscores this mentality. If I need something, or someone, then I must lack it, and the lacking must be “my fault”…I must have done something wrong.

Whoa! Wait a minute…is that always valid?

In our culture, this mentality triumphs. If you need carbs, you must have a sugar addiction. If you need sleep, you must have a TV in your room robbing you or the Zzzs. If you need a hot bath, you must be overly stressed. We seem to think that is something is missing in our lives that we did something wrong.

I often don’t recognize my needs when they arise. I get a big satisfaction from denying my needs because I like to feel like I am intellectually above needing, and a sense of achievement is gained by denying them. When the need becomes louder, I’ll sometimes run to other things to distract myself from needing…I’ll start a new project at work, I’ll read your blogs, I’ll send a card to a friend…all positive activities on the surface, but underneath, sometimes, just sometimes, these tasks are ways to deprive my needs.

Just because you desire or need something doesn’t indicate automatic failure.

If you need a friend to call you back, it doesn’t automatically mean that you are clingy or needy, it doesn’t always signal that you dropped the ball, or that you lack good communication skills. Sometimes friends just don’t call back.

Sure, you’ve got qualities to modify. We all do. You can work on acceptance. You can work on your coping skills, your communication style, your hobbies.

But a need shouldn’t define or judge you…yes, sometimes we do exacerbate our needs….my point here is not all the time.

A need is a signpost for nourishment…a desire for what is essential…not a place of social or individual criticism.

Excuse me while I go take a nice hot bath.

---and while I am luxuriating, what do you think: Are people who are single and desire partnership doing something wrong? What need do you deny?

What you Expect VS What you Accept

It's friday morning, and there's bagels and doughnuts up for grabs in the break room. I insist on enjoying my coffee in a "real" ceramic mug, where the heat of the liquid seeps into the nerves of my hands, enhancing the electrical impact of caffeine induction. Thus, I am nuking the cup...when the attractive, 30 something divorced blonde walks into the room and peers down at the carb selection in front of her...

"I shouldn't eat this..." she begins, plucking a cinnamon raisin half bagel from it's cushy home, "it's so bad for me..." she finishes it with a little light cream cheese and takes a little nibble...then adds "this is why I am single."

I am so tired of hearing women say and make similar remarks, giving themselves and their audience the message that their food choices are "bad" and indicate a lack of self-control, and thus leads to something that might be detrimental.

Does she really expect that a bagel is responsible for her being single?

Men may offer side remarks at christmas parties to approaching being capable of substituting for Santa while downing some Eggnog, but there is an absence of recrimination in such follies.

I am so sick of these remarks that I've chosen to speak up when experiencing them. I said simply, "If that half bagel really satisfies you, then I think it's good for you to eat it."

As single people, as women perhaps, as a culture, there's this expectation to always be striving for self-improvement (often via self-denial and self-control) that we often miss the ways that we are already good enough as we already are. Efforts to enhance ourselves can sometimes negate the presence of fulfillment and joy and health. We want to continually surpass ourselves and do more because the effort may falsely promise fulfillment. When I 'get married' 'run the marathon' 'get a promotion' 'read the book club selection' 'start doing yoga' that's when life will begin.

Well, I've never had a guy who rejects a woman for eating a bagel, or even a Big Mac, on occassion. But I do know guys that leave women that convey "nothing is ever good enough for you, is it?" Maybe she should eat bagels more often...

Maybe she should lower her expectations...

and accept what is...rather than what is not.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I gave up coffee for a week

Why in the world would you do
that?

Because it’s on my list

You’re crazy.

After 36 hours of caffeine deprivation, I think I may have gone a little co-co-for-coco-puffs. My head blazed, my throat closed up, and my linear thinking relaxed to ovaline proportions. The muscles in my body, confused regarding time zone location, shifted into jet lag mode, and I panted like an overzealous yet underqualified hiker.

So why do it? Why was it on my list? Honestly, because of peer pressure. When examining experiences I wanted to do, a really close friend (a coffee guru from the south who actually used her electric coffee mug warmer at work and whose husband fixed a fresh pot at 3pm) informed me that she had completely switched to decaf. I sat in reverence to her as she explained how doing so awakened her to her body more, and she felt more peaceful. This is a friend that engenders admiration…and so it went on the list.

I recently gave up something else precious to me, and so I threw in the caffeine thing at the same time out of a warped inention to 1) challenge/punish myself in matry like fashion 2) have something more physical to distract my feelings of loss towards.

The results are pretty but the process was messy.

Ah such is life. Here’s the thing. The Rolling Stones had it right: You don’t know what you got till it’s gone. The love gurus were accurate: Absence makes the heart grow fonder…I would have given a few eggs (I hear mine are worth like 25K because of the Harvard degree people, were talking golden eggs here) on Day 2 around 2:30pm for a sip of Diet Coke. Garnering pity or confusion from people around me, so many people advised (but not pressured) me to stop my abstinence and start a tapering off program. Apparently, denying yourself needs a treatment plan. “Everything in moderation” one person patted me on the back.

Day 3, no headaches, Day 4, no restlessness in the AM, but still dragging in the PM…but days 5-7, I didn’t feel any difference….except that I couldn’t take the free Diet Cokes during a research presentation like everyone else.

There is more resilience in ourselves to accommodate than we recognize. And giving something up, not during a time where you feel pressured or obligated, but because you chose to do it for x amount of time, feels incredibly empowering…now that it is over….but during it, you recognize the impact it has on you and you have on it.
Give up something. Just for a week (I am not enforcing any plan for rationing following this) What’s your coffee? Do so as a statement about you…something you want to recognize in your life. It’s a good social statement also. I walked around pointing out: there’s caffeine in that, there’s caffeine in that. Give up plastic bottles for a week due to a love of the environment. Give up high fructose corn syrup to battle the big corn business. Give up mirrors for a week…

Think of all the things you might see.

Why are you Single?

I am a question asker by nature. Too curious...it often caused me trouble, from my 2nd grade teacher tattleing to mom that I mocking her when asking my peers questions to my sunday school teacher placing scotch tape over my mouth...I've always been intrigued by how a good question mark, enchanted at how raising inflection at the end of a sentence could perplex others.
Not to mention the best counter-move of all time, answering a question with a question.
So I asked people this week when I was asked: "why are you single?" with "why are you married/in a relationship..."
The responses definitely stimulated something....
Single:
I'm too picky (or it's variant: I have too high of standards)
I'm not into the dating scene
I haven't met the right one
I'm too busy to date
I need to work on myself first

Married/In a relationship
I wanted some one to do things with
I wanted to raise children with him
Some one had to clean up after me because my mom stopped doing it
He asked

When asked, single people tend to provide defensive responses that speak to a personal deficit of some sort...married people point out relational benefits.

So, why are you single? Why are you married/in a relationship? What do you get out of it? What does it cost you?

The Deficit of Trust

From where does trust evolve? Does it start as a sense of okayness that somehow expands through a series of trials and tribulations, arriving on the shores of security?

Our world is pregnant with danger, and it announces its possible advent multiple times through out each day. Trust, security, okayness, well, for me, these are my endangered species. They feel elusive and in hiding. The day is packed full with reminder of potential threats. Our access to more and more information inherently translates to more exposure of present malaise.

So I did an informal study today of the things I was told in my environment to DISTRUST…I excluded all the things I was told to fear (Sorry China, you didn’t make the cut due to this definition) or worry about (Sorry, Global Warming! You’re voted off the island as well)…so here was my list. These were pretty blatant messages, either on CNN, magazine covers, newspapers, conversations at the water fountain. Pretty normal sources.
Distrust:
1) the drinking water…it actually has some stuff in it that could cause your unborn children when you finally do get pregnant in 5 years to have problems with social communication
2) the cleanliness of anything in a school, including mouses, drinking foundations, pencil sharpeners…teachers have the germiest jobs.
3) Lab results, they are often done by untrained personnel that run the wrong tests on the wrong samples
4) Your mother’s advice on dating/fashion/food…all equally unsatisfying. Basically discount anything related to your mother. She’s not to be trusted (especially you ladies)
5) Your bank…yep, your retirement may be floating somewhere off in cyber space somewhere
6) Generic trash bags…they don’t work as well as the ones that cost 87 cents more
7) Your cravings for salt, sugar, carbohydrates, caffeine…your desires are the devil and will lead you to over-indulgence.
8) The person you are sleeping with, want to sleep with, aren’t sleeping with anymore…he/she most likely has a porn or gambling or shoe addiction
9) That you might secure a job that will allow you pay off your student loans
10) When someone gives you a compliment at work, because “she’s just trying to get on your good side so you’ll sign up to bring the soda on Friday” (ACTUAL OVERHEARD CONVERSATION!).

No WONDER I find myself constantly analyzing ALL decisions I make and my behavior!
The distrust and fear simple closes me off to truly experiencing life fully. And I am so longing to FEEL my WAY OPEN…But how?
How does trust evolve? Where can I find my way back to it in this world?

I Don't NEED you!

Back Off. I don’t need your help.

Which is the most pernicious lie of our culture and time. That we don’t need others. The unconscious philosophy that to really make it in this world, you need to achieve and your achievements are only worth their salt if traceable to ones sole efforts. Education experts will point out that often students negate good grades on group projects and elevate those in individual ones. Why? Because somewhere along the line the only things we get credit for are the ones we feel belong only to us.

Which is absurd, because all the things you’ve accomplished in this life, your success, has been dependent on others and many situations or experiences beyond your control I have more degrees than most people do, but that doesn’t necessarily reveal some independent quality in me such as intelligence, ambition, good planning skills, or endurance. People might assume that, but what they fail to recognize is that I was blessed with a 6th grade teacher who basically forced me to enter writing competitions. I happened to get a research fellowship when the previous peon went into rehab at Harvard and my Friday class was cancelled, thus aligning our schedules. I am successful because of many wonderful lucky breaks. Don’t get me wrong, those words do describe me well, but my success isn’t attributable to them.

Recent insight emerged that people are more lonely today than has been measured at any other time in human history. The article provided one explanation is that there are many more people living alone then ever before (we can afford to) and then points out that people are friend fishing on sites like Craigslist. They put up platonic ads like “come to the movies with me.” Why do you think that is?

I think in part we over-rely on ourselves to be “complete and fulfilled.” The single gal gags when hearing that line from Jerry McGuire…”You complete me!” Because that means I am not complete on my own. Shel Silverstein’s awesome book The Missing Piece conveys that message…that we don’t need others to be complete. To be perfect.

Well, pipe in all you married folks, but being partnered up doesn’t mean you feel complete or perfect at all. In fact, relationships only highlight your imperfections! Especially family relationships.

I think what I’ve come to realize is that others DO complete me. Which doesn’t mean that I am enough, I am sufficient, on my own. I like my me time…but I need you.

The current economic crisis, when people may be holding off on purchasing that new electronic gadget, or pursuing the library rather than buying a book at a mass bookstore, perhaps alleviates some of our dependency on being independent. Perhaps we’ll embrace our immediate community more and more. Perhaps Urban loneliness is a myth! What do you think?
But until then, some one’s got to eat these dips. Want to come over?

When it’s nice not to be “yourself”

Tasks Playing Dress Up (#85) & Drink Pink Champagne (#37)
I played dress up for the for the first time this week while drinking pink champagne. There were no formal costumes, and the bubbly really hued a deep merlot…but after you’re thirty, colors start bleeding and you’re already avoiding the lighting and cumbersomeness of dressing rooms.
The combination, like Fun Dip and Road Trips as a child, sent my inhibitions into a tizzy. My senses perked awake, and the burden of perpetuating my normal practical approach to my appearance evaporated.
I wasn’t myself.
No, I was Bubbly…hyper…ready to get somewhere…excited about what energy I might bring to the destination. I wanted to be seen. It wasn’t as if my choice on the outfit involved deliberate selection. What I was out to do was to generating a feeling of upending my typical calculation White wig, a shirt long enough to function as a dress, but short enough for people to wander (is that a dress or a?) some black knee boats, and a mood that floated. That sparkled. That did not doubt or question or leave room for other’s opinions to stamp it with approval.
Here’s the thing, when I put on that wig, the spunky, confident, I don’t-give-a-fig-what-you-think-cause-I-know-I-am-hot K emerged. The kind that doesn’t rely on being noticed in order to sense her inherent worthiness.

More on this theme later: the trap of getting noticed.

For now, I remember that wig, that champagne, as a fond celebration of all the Ks that have been---that critter who always forgot to pee before beginning the road trip---and is, the professional who smirks imaging that the wig might come in handy to facilitate other tasks on my list: ask a guy out on a date, make a toast in a bar, go skinny dipping…

And while we’re at it, a little champagne doesn’t hurt either.
Check out other 101 Task Insights…

Don't Have a Cow, MAN!

The punch line: are women/married people/religious people more generous?

I had a goal in mind to celebrate my big 3-0.....getting 30 people in 30 days to toss in enough money to buy a cow, supporting Heifer International.The philosophy behind this organization is to bring sustenance and resources into a community, educate them and then require the recipient of the animal to give offspring to neighboors in need. While explaining my campaign to people, their faces lit up, conversations turned toward other acts of generosity, and all in all, people were surprisingly energetic in support.Many people I donot know well, and others I know intimately. Yet in each, positvitiy reigned. In this economy of restriction and a climate of depravity, 30 people contributed more than $650 for the effort...the price of a cow AND a goat. From $2 to more than $100, people pitched in. And honored me by praising the endeavor.It just goes to show how generous people can be, when placed in the right circumstance. Don't get me wrong, I don't think people spontaneously spout generosity. You don't often see many people seeking out opportunities to volunteer these days to...well in any area: organized clubs (like Habitat for Humanity) at work (to serve on a committee not attached to their job duties...like a recyling club) or in our nieghboorhoods (when is the last time you knocked on your neighboors door and volunteered to walk his dog?). Our lack of charitble giving has been griped about in other places, noting that we Americans only give a measly 2% away to charity and that our motivations are primarily for tax breaks..and that they tend to be organizations that benefit the giver directly.
This project underscores that our day to day interactions with one another can be infused with generosity. Sending a check to a charity is no longer the ultimate measure of generosity. Our generation is distrustful of big charities, and for good reasons. It is the word of mouth, one on one campaign, that inspires people to give. But you can't just expect people to knock on your door one day and ask if they can give you a hand. I think we need to cultivate giving in each other by discussing this issues more...and taking a risk by asking each other: can you support me?
Which doesn't mean you have to be 100% behind the cause. I am not 100% behind Thin Mints (not my cup of tea) but every year, I somehow end up with a few boxes of diabetic shockers from those badge-grabbing tweens.
Women are said to be more generous (donate twice as much, volunteer more) People of faith are more generous (Utah volunteers the most, and Americans who weekly attend a house of worship are 25 percentage points more likely to give than people who go to church rarely or never . ) Singles are said to donate and volunteer less. Those most likely to be in helping professions are married, Christian women.
But I think the way we measure generosity may be a bit out of date. If you dig deeper, however, the way single men may give is often unrecognized. I know a lot of guys willing to pick up the bill with friends, or drive me home from the airport.
But perhaps, as one colleague asserted, my interest in volunteering and charity is "an enigma for a single person...you are not normal."
How are you generous? What do you think?

I am 30...hear me ROAR?

Time and Tide wait for no man, but time stand still for a woman of thirty.
Robert Frost.

This past week, I turned “The BIG 3-0” (quotations added from multiple friends for added emphasis.”
“This is a significant birthday.”
I heard this over and over, and a few days leading up to the big event, I was placing a lot of pressure on how I wanted to memorialize such a crossing,
It begs the question…
From where am I leaving? And to where am I heading?
Looking back on it, the way I and everyone was acting, it was as if I was graduating from brownies, crossing that fake bridge into the land of tampax, where the main commodity involves transactions of Thin Mints and its crack badges.
Why do we put so much pressure on silly NUMBERS? Think about it...the scale, the jeans size, the shoe label, the grams of fiber, the MPG, the third date, the calorie counts. In the end, numbers are only significant when we give them meaning: healthy, slutty, fat, average.

By the time the morning of, a peace settled over me. I rose with anxiety, not knowing what I should do with myself, when I arrived at the conclusion: Whatever the Hell I felt like. I walked to the best coffee shack (4 blocks conveniently) in my sweats and ordered the most sinful cup of coffee in T-Town’s existence. And I sat, and celebrated, and intentionally decided that I would not force anything that day, and honor myself by listening to what I wanted. The bowing to autopilot shoulds had been temporarily shut down for re-servicing.
And since then, I have been trying very hard to a) figure out what I desire and b) find a way to honor it (which doesn’t mean immediate gratification...just recognition).

I hope I am leaving the roaring 20s behind and entering into the depressed 30s…um, wait a second, that’s not quite what I have in mind. I didn’t want to head further into a recession of confidence, but that’s what happened. A few days following my 30 transformation, I tripped back over that bridge, as if the novelty of a new dye job wore off. Today, really wanting a luxurious meal, I opted out of it for something safer…more balanced and healthy and less licentious. I hate my hesitancy. This self-doubt. I ordered a gussied-up oatmeal instead of the steaks and eggs and regretted my cowardness for the full 40 minutes of the meal. Even my date, who was born in the roaring 20s, didn’t behave with such trepidation.
I was definitely treating my desires as if living in the 30s, the 1930s that is, and such smallness would not do.
So! The 30 year old K walked into the nearby gourmet market and bought herself a bottle of pink champagne (task! #37 will be completed this week) and gourmet pumpkin ravioli. While in the market, she ate a French baguette loaf baked with brie.
Now, if this is 30, it feels good…just recognizing that I can either give or steal meaning to my experiences in the moment
What should I leave behind? What should I walk toward?