I DESERVE this!

Perhaps it is just me, and not a function of being female. But I see a lot of women, especially single women, accounting for things. We are trackers, counters, adder-uppers. Earners. I am growing weary of the inceessant need to prove myself deserving of X, Y, Z and the other 23 remaining letters signifying anything that I want. Such as, "I deserve to spend extra bit of something at Trader Joes because I didn't get the expensive cheese last time." Goodness! What a mouse-trap. Or, "I haven't bought a new pair of (fill in the blank) for over a (lengthy time span goes here" therefore, getting it now is okay." As if delay of gratification or denial grants my desires validation.
Do you find yourself doing this?
Dare I ask WHY? My bad habits involve overjustification, an obsession with rationalizing this or that, and thus domesticizing of filtering my longing to render them more palatable to myself...
No one will ever ask me to account for these things...but I;d like to be ready should they ever pull me over and demand to know if I should really be indulging in that I Tunes purchase...just in case I downloaded some things a few hours previously, or yesterday....or for the last month. But no one asks, because, overall, I am a sensible woman who makes excellent decisions...I don't need to defend myself against the scrutiny of others, it's just me in here who is intensely analyzing these details.

And I don't see a lot of men saying, "I don't know if I should go see that movie, I already took some me time away from the girlfriend Wednesday when I played basketball." Why do women like to tell ourselves that "we deserve it?"

Okay, you know what? Screw the why...I don't want to think about WHY any longer...I just want to know HOW. HOW do I stop keeping score against myself? Will it become more natural with age? With experience?

Am I in outerspace on this one, does any one do this too?

Task #19 Sing a Song in Public

Task #19
Sing a song in public

Feeling funky, feeling sad & frustrated…that my battle with these negative emotions was futile. I was noticing them, aware of them, but just because you are noticing and aware of the dishes in the sink doesn’t eradicate their existence. Yep, “Ms. Pissy Pants” and I can’t really adequately describe my feelings that would give this state justice, so enough said there…

But the park sparkled, and I noticed that, too. And I SO wanted to be in a positive state, to seize the moment, to feel connected and alive. The thought to enjoy “THIS BEAUTY” right now, flustered me…HOW? HOW? HOW? My mind short circuited, and Ms. Pissy Pants was still winning…awareness and thoughts had little effect, a toothpick shoveling a pile of bricks. I wanted freedom, escape from this funkyness, and despised the dissonance between what I wanted and where I was inside.

AH! Step in the power of the list….

Abandoned the thoughts and just DID. With fullness of my lungs, I belted the song, and in the bottom of my uterus, something clicked away. No matter the stares, the impression I was exuding, I was just ME. Purely ME, not performing, not achieving, just this animal vocalization of something essential…

And out of the blue, POOF! Ms. Pissy Pants deflated….

Here is the last clip of video from the task! Enjoy!